Desperate for Love: how to use parts work to feel confident in your dating life

When you are longing for a romantic relationship, the frustrations of dating can leave you feeling desperate. You may wonder why you haven’t met someone yet and if you’ll ever meet your person. So often we mistakenly blame ourselves, wondering what’s wrong with you and why no one has chosen you yet. These are such painful thoughts and feelings, and if you’re feeling this way, I get it. I had these same fears in my dating life during my single years and so many women struggle with these same insecurities. But there is a way to date with a greater sense of security and self-love.

We all crave love, but so often the love we crave is actually our own loving-compassion toward ourselves. I’m going to teach you a process for inner self-love and internal validation that will ease the urgency to find love and validation externally. This will help soothe the desperate feeling and allow you to approach dating feeling confident and relaxed instead of anxious and insecure.

1. There is a part of you who feels desperate for validation, desperate to not be alone, desperate to be held, loved, cared for. This desperate part of you is not ALL of you, but rather one part of who you are. The secret is, that part of you is desperate for YOUR love. Whenever you think, “I hate that I’m desperate”, you are rejecting the innocent and vulnerable part of yourself who already feels totally alone. The key is to learn to love the desperate part of you, who is often an inner child part.

2. Visualize the part of you who feels desperate for love. Picture that part of you as its own person. See how old they are, what they’re wearing, what their posture is. Notice everything you can about this part of you. It’s very important to treat this part of you as a whole person, with respect and understanding.

3. Holding the image of that part of you in your mind’s eye, start to ask it some questions. Ask, what does she want? What is she feeling? What is she afraid of? What does she need from you? Listen and wait for the answers to emerge from her.

4. Once you learn what she needs, practice giving her those things. Even though it’s in your imagination, this practice powerfully reaches into our subconscious, so just give it a shot even if it might feel silly! Often that part of us who’s feeling desperate for a relationship needs our love. She might need to be held, to be comforted, to know that she won’t be left alone. Like you would a scared child, feel yourself pick her up and soothe her with loving touch and words.

5. Pause and notice how you feel now. How does your body feel? What emotions do you notice? Give yourself time and space to let your feelings flow.

Taking yourself through this process will give you the self love that your inner child really needs. From this feeling of self love, you have the freedom to enter the dating world with excitement and curiosity, rather than from desperation and fear. Learning to re-parent your inner child will completely change the dating game for you. It will allow you to choose a partner who reflects the love, respect, and validation that you already give yourself.

This process can be challenging to do on your own. If you’re struggling to love and accept the parts of you who feel desperate for love, the supportive presence of a therapist can make a huge difference. If you’re interested in working with me, feel free to schedule a consultation to see if we’re a good fit.